Chantelle Otten

Mhm.

Yes, yes. So I'm a sexologist, which is a fancy word for a sex therapist, but you can be a sexologist in multiple different domains. So I've done research before. Therapy is like my bread and butter because the biggest sexual organ is the brain. Um, and then I'm, I'm, so I see patients, anyone and everyone, all genders, orientations, um, couples, individuals, groups. And I run a clinic, um, I mainly do telehealth online. And then I work with some of like the biggest brands consulting for them. Um, you know, like I work with Bumble for example.

Yeah, I'm their longest ambassador for Australia and New Zealand. And yeah, and then I work with, with brands and I help them, I, I help with like business leadership because I work with a lot of executives and CEOs. Um, and I work with their intimate, like their relationships with others, but then also I help with, with their colleagues or their partners.

No, no, no, it's not about sex. We're not...

But um, no, it's actually about, um, interpersonal relationships. Okay? So sexologist is like my main title, but I'm, I'm a therapist. You know, my background is therapy and relationships are a huge part of that. So actually a lot of the time sex is like the last thing that I speak about in my therapy room.

M.

All of the above. Or like, you know, there might be concerns around, um, like long-distance relationships or things like premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, sexual pain, um, you know, like there's, you know, even like gynecological disorders, um, mental health problems, medication and sexuality, so many different things. You know, I, I kind of just, I speak to the person who's coming in for therapy and then we come up with a treatment plan based on what's happening for them in a psychological way, what's happening, um, with their body, so biological, interpersonal, so their relationship with themselves and with others, um, and then sociocultural, what's happening within their environment and their, their background and religion.

Yes.

Uh, actually, like, I would say for, um, PE, we would mainly work from a psychological way. We can use medication, but it's not super effective for premature ejaculation. We would be looking at how long has it been a concern? So is it always been there since like the first time you've tried to have sex with someone? Does it happen when you masturbate? Uh, if if not, is it only in a partnered scenario? Um, what's the self-esteem like of the person? Is anxiety involved? Um, is it every single time they have sex? Uh, do they watch pornography? Have they conditioned themselves to ejaculate quite quickly?

Well, it's not, it's not necessarily watching too much. It's like, you know, are you, if they're doing it very quickly, like late at night or like on their lunch break for example, then they have dinner and then they become accustomed to it. Yes, yeah. So there's not, there's not one answer for anything. So every single person that I've seen, it's an individualized approach. There's not a one-size-fits-all. Okay. So I, I would work with, um, premature ejaculation, uh, and look at it from a holistic, um, perspective and then make a treatment plan for that individual and if that individual's in a relationship, for that couple as well.

It's, it's, it's both. It's all of the above. It's, it's first and foremost starting with education and understanding them and really making them feel seen and heard and respected, uh, and, you know, making sure they know it's a safe space. Um, I think a lot of the time when we've talked about sex and we've talked about sexual concerns, the, the narrative has been to joke and and and laugh at it or, you know, criticize or make someone feel self-conscious.

Well, it is. I know, I know. It's a terrible thing. It's an international thing, but it's definitely an Australian thing for sure. Yeah. And it's not to criticize Aussies, it's just we mask a lot with with humor and that can create a lot of shame for people.

Mhm.

Well, I would first and foremost see like where did things start changing or was it always this way? Was it always that sex was probably not super great for them? Or maybe it was inconsistent. Maybe someone wants a kinky and other person doesn't. Or maybe they just started with not like a great basis for a sex life, but they have a very strong emotional and romantic bond. They have a strong friendship. So they thought, "Okay, the sex will, it'll get better with time." But, but things don't get better unless we change and we develop and we grow. And I really like to work from an accountability perspective and I like to work from a very positive lens when I work with people. I don't believe in criticism when it comes to anything to do with like relationships or even relationships with ourselves. I believe in accountability, but I believe a lot in kindness and making people learn how to communicate with each other. Um, and then, you know, saying, "It's you two against the problem. It's actually you, you and me against the problem. And we're going to work together to make sure that you reach, uh, some short-term goals," which might be to have some more intimacy that might be non-sexual intimacy, a lot more kissing, hugging, um, maybe a little bit of fun outside the bedroom. Um, and then we're going to look at improving your, your sex life. And a lot of that starts here, you know, especially when we, we're talking about like the, the current climate in Australia. We're working harder and harder because we have to because the economy is shifting so much since Covid and people really want to reach for the stars. They're working so hard. Um, how if you, if you're spending that much time being stressed and trying to achieve your goals, how do you switch from work mode into intimate mode? It's very, very difficult. Um, and then if you throw in a few other things like, you know, family problems or children or, you know, um, health problems...

Yeah. Or you might have like a parent going through something. Or you might have just had a child and, you know, your hormones are all out of whack. Or there might be menopause or cancer or something. There's so much to think about.

Yeah.

No, I don't tell them that.

No, I, it's not my job to to prescribe a a direction for people. You know, I'm there to support them. I do, I am, I would say very, very kind, very gentle. I, I flow with people. However, if things aren't changing, then I will point that out. But at the end of the day, um, it's not my job to make a decision about whether a a person should be with another person or not. It is my job to do as much as I can with them, not for them, because they have to do it themselves. But with them, to get them into a space where they're, they're communicating on the same level and they're, you know, some, because some, some couples I see will be, you know, their, their basis is arguing with each other. And maybe that works for them. It's about how they repair from that. But if the arguments are going around and around and around in circles and it's filled with contempt and, you know, defensiveness, "You're the not, you're the problem, not me." Um, criticism, then that's very, very difficult. But I think everyone can come to a place of stability and kindness. Um, it's just whether they're willing to do so or not.

Yeah, I think a huge part of it. Yeah, I think energy is a huge part of it as well. Yeah, I think that we're learning more about energy. People used to be so, I used to even be like quite anti-woo. I think people used to see energy as like quite a woo thing. No, I think it's a real thing, but it's definitely, definitely something that we...

Well, I'm going to look her up because she sounds amazing. I think energy is everything to be honest. I think I used to when I was younger, I mean, been doing this for quite a while now. Um, I think I just, I came from a background where I learned about sexology from, um, medical lens. Even though I studied psychology, my internships were in, um, medical clinics. And I think, and also, you know, I, I did a lot of research back then. And I think that helped me understand so many, um, kind of factors about what makes a person feel good in the bedroom because if their body and their their mind is not aligning, you know, that's very, very difficult. But then I've learned in probably the, the past four years, I've really lent into the concept of energy. And even though I was aware of it and very, um, I, I just, I didn't know that that's what I was speaking about so much probably in my early sexology years. Whereas now I'm like, actually, the presence that you bring into a room and the confidence you have, it's all about seduction at the end of the day. It's like seducing yourself. It's even in business, right? It's the cues that you have, the interpersonal cues, what you put out there. Um, how you make people feel, how you make yourself feel. All of that is very, very important. And when it comes to the bedroom, yeah, energy is huge. It's everything.

It doesn't matter. Really? Yeah.

No, it doesn't. 'Cause you're thinking about sex from a penetrative perspective. Right?

Actually, um, if we're talking about fems or women, their sexual satisfaction isn't based off orgasm. Yes, of course, maybe they would like the the other person to last a little bit longer, but you can build up another erection, but you can also use hands, mouth, toys. You can worship that other person's body if you've ejaculated early. And you can create a really beautiful erotic scenario. You can also wait and go again a little bit later because then you've probably if you've ejaculated early and you build up another erection because it's such a beautiful erotic, you know, intimate experience, then you can probably go for a lot longer. And if penetration is what the other person wants, then go for it. But if not, then use your hands, use toys, use a mouth. Have some fun.

Yeah. Outcourse, we call...

We can talk about outcourse.

Well, no, I think like we're learning, right? You're learning something new. That's, that's what we all have to do. And outcourse is basically everything that's not penetrative. So like oral sex or, you know, like, um, you know, spending time paying attention to the clitoris or other parts of the body. We don't need to go straight to the genitals and straight to penetration to have a good time. In fact, we should spend a lot more time away from that area. Build up. Yeah.

I think that, um, well, obviously Bumble's the best one. Um, I think that, I think that there's, um...

Two sides of the coin here, right? So, um, we have more options because we are, we are able to access people in different locations. And I think that's wonderful because a lot of us don't have capacity to go out and meet people. Um, especially if we're traveling a lot. Uh, especially if we are cooked because we work, you know, so much because we have like a mortgage and we, you know, we've got kids and we're single, but we've got a lot. There's so much going on. So you have more options. You can also change locations. So if you're traveling overseas, you can like change your location to meet someone in the country that you're going to or in the city that you're going to. I mean, that is out of this world to me. I think that's wonderful. Um, however, we have fatigue because there's so much choice, right? We're swiping and we're, we're basing our decisions off pictures that people are putting on their, on their profile. Or, you know, on their social media if that's a...

Well, it's not about manipulation. It's just like, how are you meant to know about someone's energy from a photo? You have to actually go meet that person. Yeah, like chat online is very different to chat in person. So really, um, there's so many factors to consider. I really encourage people to a have a great dating profile. Put up some good prompts for people to engage with you based off...

Like, you know, like, um, "My hobbies on the weekend include cooking for my family," and, "I'm really into rock climbing," or something like that. Or, "I'm currently reading a..."

Mhm. Okay. So, you know, like, what are your, what are you into at the moment? What did you do over the weekend?

Mhm. Very basic, man.

Sure. Yeah, of course. It can be used for for dating. It can be used for hookups. That's also fine. Um, it's like you have to put your intention out there. Um, it, yeah, and people can also be manipulated on there as well. That's that's also true. But that can all happen in real life.

So I work with executives in a few different ways, right? So there's kind of like, yes, I can work with them on their sex lives. And we know that a lot of people who are high-flying execs, they're very busy, they're at work, they're traveling a lot. They barely have sex.

Well, it depends, you know, there's a lot going on behind the scenes of of people's lives. It can be that they have, uh, their one partner, they might have, um, you know, this is for everyone somewhere else. It's not about executives, it's about everyone, right? They might have an open relationship. They might have an, you know, an ethically open relationship or a non-ethical relationship.

Yeah, they can work. I'm not saying they're easy, but they can work. Yeah. I think that it depends on the communication style of the people involved. Um, everyone will step over a boundary at some point, but it's about how, like in, like in any relationship, how do you repair from that? How do you grow from that? And how do you make a commitment to go, "I'm honoring our relationship with each other as a priority over these other alternate options that I could have."

Yeah, that can happen. That's why doing therapy with someone like myself at the same time when you're entering into that world is great. Depends on like, why are you opening up your relationship? Is it because you're in a really great place and you want to explore some things? Is it a band-aid because you're not connecting? Um, you know, there's just so many reasons. I don't think we can categorize things in such black and white narratives. You're like, "Does it work, yes or no?" There's no, there's not a yes or no answer there. It can and it can't.

Individualized. Yeah.

A mixture of everything. Um, I mean, all genders come see me. Um, I, I see people that are individuals. I prefer to see individuals myself and then I refer them to one of my other staff to do couples therapy.

Yeah. And but you, you pass them on to a doctor then to do hormone, hormonal therapy.

Multi-disciplinary approach. So I work with them and their medical professionals and if they don't have a medical professional, then I work with, um, one of my preferred referrers and, um, we work together as a team.

Yes, I, I do find that. Yeah. I, I also think, you know, looking at their medications and how they impact on sexuality. You know, um, are they on anti-anxiety or anti-, you know, depressants that these are all...

It's just that some will impact on libido and ability to have orgasm.

Most of them. So there's only a few that don't, um, impact on your sexuality. So it's about really assessing like that individual and what they're going through and whether, um, they need to either stay on that medication and then we work to improve around it, which is very possible. Or we go, "Okay, can we work with your psychiatrist or your or your specialists to switch your medication to one that might be, um, more complimentary to your individual circumstances and your sex life?" Um, or is it, you know, something that we can work on from a more holistic manner. But I'm very, I'm, I'm not anti-medication and I'm also very pro, um, overall experience and overall health of the body being worked on.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not a nutritionist, I'm not a dietician, but we, I work with specialists. But it's very easy if you talk to someone about their diet. You know, what are their blood tests look like? How's their iron levels, Vitamin D, everything? Um, that's, that's one of the first things that I do with them. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, of course. Um, at that age, it's really about having fun because, um, anyone who has ovaries will have gone through menopause by that age. And then those who have a penis, uh, at age 50, you have a 50% chance of erectile dysfunction, age 60, 60% chance, 70%...

So it depends, like, are you, you know, it, it depends on the health of that person and what they're looking for. If they just want to have like sex is an umbrella term for many things, right? You spoke about it in terms of penetration. I speak about it in terms of it's an umbrella term. So there are so many things that you can do within the sexual realm that don't involve penetration. A lot of the time it's about just skin on skin. It's about pleasure. And I think we need to be more pleasure oriented rather than penetration and orgasm oriented.

Most men are. Um, boring. I mean, there's so many things that you can do that are that are fun. Penetration's great, don't get me wrong. But like, like let's be interesting lovers, right? Like let's open up the the the whole box of like things that you can do, activities, toys, locations, times. There's so many things you can do to add variation to your sex life.

And that's cool.

Uh, I'm hoping by the time I'm 90 things have changed. I probably got a robotic penis anyway. So would I do it? Absolutely, yeah, of course I would. But I'm hoping by...

Okay. Um, okay, interesting.

Yeah, let's just look at other things and look at the relationship. You, you asked me before about like executives and relationships. You know, I, yes, I deal with like intimate lives of individuals, but I also, you know, I am an expert in relationships and interpersonal relationships and how you present to the world. So if someone comes in and they've come to me, sometimes they come to me because they've been referred by a friend who's come to see me and they're like, "Look, my question isn't actually about sex, it's about how do I make more friends? How do I get into a relationship? How do I navigate my workplace relationships? You know, how do I become a more magnetic person?" Um, and that's something that I'm very good at helping with. Um, but also...

First and foremost, I, I have to understand them and their background and why they feel, um, concerned. And also

Where, where is that insecurity coming from? I think that as well, it's so many people struggle to make, um, long, very, I guess like, more substantial bonds as an adult. It's hard. Harder to make friends. It's, you know, workplaces are also challenging. People are protected. I would say people protect themselves. Um, and I think that's reasonable. You know, being an adult, the, the more you grow and the more hurt that you feel in your life or or sadness that you feel, um, or even just what's going on in the present day. Like we never know what's happening behind closed doors for people. And it's super, it's super interesting. I think as well for myself, um, as someone who is an expert in like relationships and in, in, you know, self-confidence and self-esteem. I have a a public facing profile that I have to be mindful of because even as a therapist, we all have our own stuff going on. And I'm sure you feel this. Like you come in some days and you might be having a great time, but you might also be going through a tough time. Like, um, as I told you before we started recording, my mom passed away. She was very sick for a long time last year and then she suddenly passed away. But I still have to show up to work every day and I still have to help people and I still have a public profile. And it's really interesting because I don't think people are as compassionate as they could be. I think that we are, we're harsh. We're quick to judge. Uh, it, it can be really challenging.

It's human nature. And it's super interesting because I was thinking about this the other day. I'm in a, I'm very, like, very protected as a person, especially because of my job. You know, people want to ask me questions about their sex lives when I'm just out and about and just trying to actually switch off from my job. Um, so I tend to not really tell people what I do. Um, but I remember going through this tough time with my mom last year. And I was starting to get messages like online. Um, I lost a lot of weight 'cause I was so stressed naturally. It's like people were like, you know, "Do you have an eating disorder?" I was like, "No, it's called my mom died. That's the diet I'm on." You know, it's not a fun one. I wouldn't recommend it. But it's the same, like, it's the same with everyone. We all have [expletive] going on. And I think that people can be so harsh and they don't want to actually sit down and go, "Hey, what's going on with you at work?" Right? If we're talking about executives with their with their staff or with their colleagues, I always try and encourage people to have very compassionate conversations. "Hey, I've noticed that you're not feeling great at work or you don't seem like yourself. You're distracted or you're, you're running late. What's going on? How can I help you?" You know, I try and teach people to not act from such an emotional place. And from people can be very aggressive, very confrontational because they don't want to understand the other person. So my job is to really teach people how to like slow down, bring it down, try and understand others. Even the tone of their voice, how they work with people, how they how their body movements are in front of others, how open they are. Rather than, "You're not performing at the moment and it's embarrassing and it's not working for the company." It's actually like taking it down. And then for my executives, it's also teaching them how to be more vulnerable. Vulnerability is my bread and butter. And it's people struggle. I struggle. It's, it's a tough one.

I, I'd talk about authenticity and I'd ask you what authenticity means to me. Am I being authentic to myself? Yes. And are you honoring what what you're feeling at that current time? Are you letting people know how you're feeling and why you might be self-conscious or shy? Or why you might be more reactive in so, or why you might be tired all the time or irritable or cranky? All those things are okay. It's just about telling the people that you interact with, "Hey, I'm just letting you know I'm feeling a little bit off today. Or I'm a bit cranky today. It's not a you thing, it's a me thing. But if you pick up on that, I just want you to know that it's all good. Let's just talk about work and, you know, if you have any questions, I'm happy to answer what I what I can answer."

I mean, that's masking. You're talking about masking, right? I'm actually talking about being more authentic. So you can, you can actually start to smile when you've let people in and you, you are being more authentic with them. Rather than being like, "I hate this job. I hate you." You know, "I, I'm not enjoying myself," but I'll smile. That can still bring up like reactive emotions because you don't feel good still. So actually, I think it's better to go, "You know what, um, Nick, I'm going through something at the moment. I'm just sharing it with you. If I'm feeling if you notice me being a little bit off this week, I'm okay. Um, but I had to tell you that because it will make me relax a little bit more and I'll be able to focus, um, because I'm not going to be worried about how you're perceiving me."

Well, if there's no problem, then there's not nothing for me to to help you with.

So if people notice that you're being off or what, what are people noticing? If you're being the same and there's nothing to talk about, then I don't need to help you define that.

Okay. Well, maybe if they ask you if you don't think you are, then there's nothing to to speak on. But as an executive, would I come to you because I know that I've got a problem?

Okay. Yeah. Or people have pointed it out. People have said, "You need to go talk to someone."

A lot of people just really enjoy coming to see me to be honest. Um, because you don't have...

There's always something to work on. If there's not something to work on and I think they're well and and they're able to handle their own, then I will say, "I don't, I don't think we need to do, you know, more more therapy, more, you know, weekly therapy right now. I think we can cut it back to every three weeks. But of course, um, why don't we keep your appointment scheduled and we can decide a week out whether we want to keep that appointment or whether I pop someone else in your place."

It's so nice being approached in public. I think, you know, when someone says, "Hey, like I know I, I think like a don't like come straight up to them. Don't impede on like the the group, especially if they're having a conversation with someone. But if you see someone that you like, um, I think just don't, don't be threatening. So be soft in your approach. Don't ever make someone feel like they can't move away from you. But just say, "Hey, you know, I don't usually do this. I'm not sure I'm feeling actually quite nervous. But, um, you just, you look amazing or I really like your energy or, um, I just think that you seem really cool and is, you know, can I get your number? I'd love to take you out sometime if you're available."

Yeah, but have a nice conversation. Have good tonality. Ask about their day. And then, um, yeah, ask if they're going for a date.

In theory, but it takes confidence and and courage.

He probably read The Game by Neil Strauss. And now he's teaching people how to do The Game. Interesting. And it literally...

That game, that book. I actually like really like Neil Strauss. And I loved, he's done a recent podcast that I'm obsessed with. It's called To Die For. Um, uh, and I really like him. And the way that he wrote The Game, I would say that book though, is about manipulation tactics, right? So we need to look at things from a healthy kind of level.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, um, I think that if you, I mean, that's a very, I would never say yes, here's my number to someone who went like this and stopped me in...

That's probably people who were scared of him and just like, "Here's a number, like take it around."

You know, when The Game came out, I was like, a long time ago. I remember I was living overseas and...

'Cause I was living overseas. I was in my 20s. And I remember it was huge in in London. And I was, I was in, um, or in the UK in general. I was in London and I was walking through Mayfair. I actually told this story like yesterday to my, um, to my brother-in-law. But I was walking in London. This guy comes up to me and he said something that was along those lines, like, "Can I have your number?" And I was like, "No, I'm okay. Thank you so much." And I kept walking. And he kind of was like walking up next to me and trying to hold this conversation. I was like, "Look, I'm just trying to go for a walk here. Like I'm enjoying my peace. Like let me be." And he's like, "Sorry, like I'm part of this group and we're learning how to like pick up girls."

And I was like, "Okay." Um, and then very similar group. Hey, five years later, I was walking in the same place. The same guy came up to me and did the same thing. Yeah. So you can get a number. What's going to get you past a number stage? Right? So what's, where's the, where's the actual like getting to know someone and making them feel safe and seen and heard? I get that you can get a number. I can get that you can pick up. Where's the interpersonal relationship there? Where do you go after that?

Yeah, yeah. Well, it's a pretty aggressive approach to be following a girl along the street, you know.

Mhm.

Depends on where they are, who they are. You, you're, there's no concrete answer. So the thing you'll learn is we're dealing with human beings. Mhm. They're unpredictable. That's true. So I can't give you a black and white, yes or no, this is how I deal with it answer. I, I can answer in a more, how do you make them feel special? How do you make yourself be authentic and and fun and cool around them? How do you make them feel comfortable?

You learn together. You learn together. You start with a a soft approach. You start to get to know them. I think a slow burn is a beautiful thing these days. Um, I think that learning how to how to read someone's bodily cues is really important. You know, I think eye contact, you're right, a smile is really important. How you move through a room. So I, I teach people how to hold their own and how to kind of go, "You know what? I am strong. I am powerful. I am magnetic. I am deserving of attention." And then I teach them how to, I learn about the person that they're interested in. And I say, "Why don't you try this and why don't we try this?" But I always say like, "Let's not scare anyone." You know, if let's see if they warm up to the person that you are authentically. And if you can make them feel comfortable and feel seen and feel special, then they might start coming to you as well. However, if it's, if that person's brave enough to say, "Hey, can we, you know, can I take you out for a drink? Um, you know, I would love to take you here and I, I've planned a whole night." That's so special these days. People can be very lazy. And I, I think especially in Australia when it comes to dating, I think Australian...

Yeah, no, not everyone. Sorry. I should, I'm going to get flack for that. But, you know, I think like building an experience culture is so beautiful. And I just think we need to learn how to do that again. Learn how to build an experience of of a relationship.

I, yeah, I have. I have, I have. You know, there, there, there are definitely like lots of amazing, wonderful people out there. But I definitely think that our dating culture has taken a real hit. Um, and I, I, I think that we're, we're getting back to a stage where people feel good, but it's a tough one.

Yeah, it's, it's talking about, you know, it's a, it's a lot around toxic masculinity and and the patriarchy. But also, like, you know, the internet is a crazy place these days. And young people don't have good role models to look up to. And I think if we think about young men especially, like, who are they looking towards? And Tate...

Because they're, I know they're desperate for help. Yeah. Mhm. It's an issue. It's, it's terrible. It's scary. It's, it's, um, it's such a shame. And I think, you know, working on masculinity in a way that we can help people tap into their emotions and express them in healthy ways rather than repress them and, you know, channel them in very unhealthy ways is super important.

I don't know. So I think that you're very well traveled.

I am. I think every country is so different. Um, you know, you, you see interesting things all around the shop. I, I told you that I've spent a lot of time in New York recently. New York's a very fast-paced dating environment. There's so much, um, so many options out there. A lot of my friends, they're like, "Wow, I never got a great date in Australia. And now I'm having like a date every night and it's a full experience and I, you know, I get sent a car."

No, terrible dates in Australia. You know, I, I have friends that are like, "I'm giving up all hope. I'm just going to end up alone." But, you know, I think like, going overseas, you can be a version of yourself that you can't be at home sometimes. And I'm not saying that that's an inauthentic version. I think it's a more relaxed version because you're in a different country. Um, and I do think that I can see people leaning into the softer versions of themselves in terms of dating. Like in New York, my friends are like, they're exploring. However, there's a lack of accountability. There's a lot of ghosting for my friends in Italy. Or Italy, I mean, if you, if you're single and you're a girl, go to Milan and just go clubbing in Milan. You'll be fine. The men are it's like supermodels.

Um, I don't know. I don't know. You'll have to tell me.

Uh, a lot of my friends want to go to Colombia. That's not for dating.

Sit down, have a conversation where you're looking at each other, you're close to each other, you're holding hands.

Sit, sit either cross-legged on the floor or, um, with your knees, you know, in chairs, with your knees touching. Get as close as possible to that person. Hold your hands.

And just say, "I would love to have a conversation with you about something." And the other person goes, "Yes, I'm here to listen." And then say, "The other day I really wanted to feel more connected with you and I tried to make a bid for connection by holding your hand, um, or, you know, like scratching your head." Um, and it felt like you pulled away then and that made me feel scared and like I couldn't come close to you. And then other person goes, "So what I hear is the other day you tried to make a bid for connection and you tried to hold my hand and or you scratched my my hair and I, I pulled away from you and that didn't make you feel like I wanted to be..."

M. So start having dialogue where you're not coming back and forth and challenging the other person's experience because often when we have conversations about things that are bothering us, there can be multiple truths happening at the same time. Um, and then you work together. I think that, um, I think communication needs to slow down and I think we actually need to make time for those conversations to happen. A lot of the time, everyone's done it, myself included, we sweep things under the rug. But soon there's going to be like a mound underneath that rug and you're going to be tripping over it. It's very hard to get that stuff out. So start going, "You know what? We need to reset our communication so that we can become more emotionally and intellectually connected. And then physically we will want to be closer to each other." Then I think in terms of eroticism, start thinking outside the box. You know, don't have sex at the same time, doing the same thing every single time. You know, switch it up. Say, "Hey, let's do it on a on a Sunday morning instead." Or, "Let's go in the shower. Let's do the trampoline. Let's do it on the trampoline. Let's bounce around." You know, like change locations, change times, add variation, bring in some lube, bring in some toys. Don't have the same erotic experience again and again because you will lose the taste for it. It's like eating the same meal every single time you go out.

You know what you're having. It's not motivating anymore. You'd rather eat by yourself at home. It gets boring. The same thing. Yeah. And then I think as well, learn to be playful. Learn to have some fun. People are, they take themselves way too seriously these days. Like be a silly Billy. I don't care. Like, like get some intimacy cards. There are some great cards these days that prompt you to have deeper conversations. There are game, foreplay games that you can play. There's so many things that you can do to trigger a little bit of silliness and playfulness. However, if you don't feel like you can engage in your sexual partner, especially if it's a long-term relationship, I want you to consider safety. And I'm thinking about emotional safety here. A lot of the time when there has been, you know, lots of either micro traumas or like a big breach of trust, um, it doesn't have to mean like infidelity. It can be a betrayal in in a different way. Um, that stuff needs to be worked on with a therapist most likely. We, we can't go through these long-term relationships and expect for us to know everything about our partner 'cause they're going to be changing. At the same time, you're changing. We have to keep up to date. We have to upgrade our software. And often that means getting a little bit of help with that upgrade.

This, look, all genders, there will be people in their 30s, 40s, sometimes, you know, older that haven't had a relationship. I think in your 30s as a as a woman, you start to notice your biological clock ticking and if you want to have a family, you know, I think it's a smart to get your fertility checked and think about, "Do I want to raise my eggs here?" Don't rush into a relationship with someone. Yeah.

Just because they're available. Um, because I do think that you need to have like at least like a year or so with someone for a lot of people to really figure out who they are. Don't ignore the red flags. Look for the green flags, even the beige ones, the ones that are like, you know, they're neither, they're just a bit boring, right? The green ones are what we should be looking for. But definitely look for the red flags and don't ignore them. Um, I definitely think going on a holiday and spending some time by yourself is really important. I, I definitely, I mean, I, I think it's important to know who you can be and sometimes traveling alone in a different country will give you that ability because you have to learn different survival skills. You have to learn how to make friends. You have to learn how to engage in conversation with people. So if you have the luxury of going on a vacation, you know, whether that be interstate or or international, please do it and like have fun, be brave, go for it. Um, you can't get a reward if you don't take the risk, right? Um, and I think if you're, if you're staying in the same position, doing the same thing, no one's going to come out of the blue and magically save you. You're not special. Everyone has gone through something at some point. And you have to look at yourself and go, "What can I change to make my goals more achievable?" And that might mean getting outside of the groups that you're in, making some new friends, changing location, maybe even changing jobs. You know, life is short. It's, it's fragile. So don't sleep on it just 'cause you're comfortable. Being comfortable never gets you anywhere.

Depends if they're happy with that or not. If they're satisfied with that arrangement, um, it can work. But I think if we're talking about sex and and longevity, um, not everyone will desire their partner. You know, you can have love without desire and desire without love, right? So, um, I think in most long-term relationships, there will be times where you won't even like your partner that much, but you'll still love them. Um, but is that most of the population?

Well, we're all like that. We're all pains in the ass, you know, like we all, we're all annoying at times. And and also we can all behave badly. But I think when it comes to desire, there are plenty of people who are in long-term relationships where their sex lives have, have petered off. Um, they're, they're non-existent. It's about...

They can, there can be infidelity involved, of course. But what's the motivation there? Do you want to be closer with each other? Do you want to have more of an erotic connection again? And if so, what work are you going to put behind it? Because sometimes for for some people, it will be as simple as going, "You know what, you know, if there's nothing going on behind the scenes, there's no kind of fighting or emotional disconnect and or there's no breaches of safety. But they love each other. They have fun together. They've just the the sex has dropped off." They can start just trying to have more sex and seeing if that more scheduled sex leads to more spontaneous sex. Right? We're talking about responsive desire. So it's like you going, "Okay, I've cycled so much today and then I've had a huge day at work. I feel done all these podcasts. Come home, I'm absolutely exhausted. My brain is dead. Um, I don't feel like it tonight. Thanks, honey." But then your partner goes, "You know what? Let me just give you a little bit of a massage." You start getting a shoulder massage and then, you know, she might start kissing your neck or like nibbling on your ear and you go, "Oh, actually that feels that feels kind of good." And my body is starting to feel aroused and I'm starting to respond. That's responsive desire. Work on the responsive desire by having more kind of like a open-minded like experiences where you go, "I don't really, I don't know if I wanted to lead to sex, but I'm open to having intimacy with you." Um, but definitely putting some time in the diary for you to have more scheduled sessions where you go, "I know that Saturday morning we've put this time aside." People yuck this all the time. They're like, "Why would I plan this? It's meant to be spontaneous." Yeah, you've watched too many movies where it's like you're getting thrown up against the wall. It doesn't work like that. You have to have times where you go, "We will have some maintenance sex in order to have some more fun, erotic, spontaneous sex." Right? You never know where things will go. But for some people, they will need some extra help. They will need help with their relationship dynamic. They might go, "Actually, I don't know if I'll be able to get the desire back. Do I want to stay in this relationship? Or do we, do we figure out how to part ways? Or do we open the relationship and you have someone that you meet up with that's special that doesn't threaten our relationship and and I'll do the same." Or you can just do it. You know, there's so many ways to work with that.

Thank you.